My Creation

I’ve been stressing out about what to write here because I wanted it to be perfect but not so perfect that it wasn’t relatable, y’know? I wanted a seamless blend of vulnerability and professionalism—something that wasn’t forced but was great anyway. Which is ridiculous and I, of course, ended up in a mental tail spin. The longer I put this off, the harder it became. This is why I never became a journalist—deadlines were never my friend. I wasn’t given a deadline to write this, per se, but us humans are pretty good at pressuring ourselves for no reason. This thing, this website, has been a long time coming and I wanted it so badly to represent who I am that it became so big in my head that I didn’t feel I could do it justice. But it’s mine, right? It can be anything I want it to be. Nothing real fits in a predetermined algorithm of breeziness+vulnerability+voice=perfection. God, even the word algorithm makes me want to throw my computer off my balcony. The truth is, I’m the only one who I need to live up to, no matter how hard that can be sometimes. But, I’m going to stop there before I get into some rant about how “nothing is perfect” that we’ve all heard 100 times before.

Right now as I write this my boyfriend is teaching himself how to sew. He & his friends have challenged themselves to learn something new each month and March is Sewing. This month’s challenge ends with them all getting together to show off their handmade outfits that they then have to wear out on the town. Fun, right? I’m low-key beaming with pride and smiling at his every f-bomb while he’s on the living room floor learning just how mind bending sleeves can be. His brand new creative venture is what’s inspired me to actually sit down (in between standing up to put his foot down) and write this thing. He’s doing the exact thing I preach about—creating something outside of yourself. He’s been talking about finding a hobby for a long time and now he’s found twelve. I’m beyond stoked for him! I am passionate about writing and I am passionate about pushing boundaries, just to see how far I can go. His outfit isn’t perfect, and neither is this piece of writing, but we both feel grounded and accomplished. Creation brings joy. I can tell with him because even though he’s cycling between frustration and exasperation, it’s the first time we haven’t fought during a tedious activity. Even though his shirt looks like how a first time shirt may look, he is proud. And I am proud. I uttered the words, “I love our life” to him this evening as we sat across the table, creating together. That’s why I do what I do—for these moments of absolute bliss that come quicker and closer together as I keep at it. I take the words that I write and I speak them aloud to feel and spread joy, and to create connection, even when joy is elusive.

Joy eluded me for many years. On paper, my life had all the right ingredients: a steady, well paying job that I enjoyed, a loving boyfriend, the means and time to travel, wonderful friends and family. But frequently, I’d be 4 beer deep with my best friend and we’d ask ourselves the same question time and time again, “If my life is so amazing then why I am unhappy?” At the time I couldn’t see it was the amount of alcohol I was drinking or all the pain I didn’t even know existed because it had been buried deep. Joy was elusive but writing was a constant. It came from somewhere even deeper than the pain. It was my soul talking & when I wrote, I was truly me. It helped me little by little to uncover what was really going on inside of me & why I wanted to escape myself at every opportunity. When we create we feed our soul. Our truth becomes bigger and brighter until it’s all that we are. We are in control of what we feel, what we see. The power is ours to dream any life we want. Anything we can think, we can create. Once we speak it aloud, it becomes real.

So, speak.