Detox Podcast - Addiction Recovery
Publishing Pick Your Poison (my poetry volumes on addiction and recovery!) was a gateway for me that lead to a craving for deeper self-exploration. My poems were the offspring of raw emotion & confusion, so what would I find if I went back & analyzed them? Were there beautiful moments of clarity hidden there for me to discover? I knew there was much to learn from the poems & from that, Detox Podcast was born. Each episode explores the themes & emotions of one poem from the book, ranging from grief & pain to strength & joy, many of which are found in the face of everyday situations while in recovery.
Detox Podcast Intro
BY DENISE WALKER
In this opening episode, I introduce you to the project and the creative intent behind writing Pick Your Poison. You may listen to these episodes in any order. Pick one that speaks to you or listen to all - whatever you choose, you are very welcome here.
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MAZE
I tell the story of how I found sobriety and how writing poetry became a place of solace. I also discusses my poem ‘Maze’ and how my mind felt like a labyrinth without any exits. I touch on integral moments in my early recovery and share the fears of telling others about my internal struggle.
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ACHE
In this episode, I discusses my poem ‘Ache’ through exploring my early efforts to fight through craving as I attempted to abstain from alcohol. I describe what it is like to ride the edge of intense cravings and then ultimately succumb to the addiction.
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IT’S TOO LATE WHEN YOU START TO LIE
In this episode I assess the progression of my addiction and how I knew I had crossed a critical line when I began lying about my alcohol use. I talk about straying from who I knew myself to be and how it felt like I had sold my soul to the Devil.
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PICK YOUR POISON
Analyzing my poem, ‘Pick Your Poison’, I talk about a “darkness” that has been present within me since my teens. I talk about my history with self-harm and how I never wanted to die, but that I did want to kill that darkness inside myself. I talk about the juxtaposition between extremes in my choices and how none of them were ideal.
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BANDAIDS
Through my poem, ‘Band Aids’, I explore my lack of identity in early sobriety and how it challenged my previous personality traits and interests. I share my fears around being accepted in this new version of myself & wonder if removing the old things about myself were truly as healing as promised or if it was all a big mistake.
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HUG ME / BEDROOM DOOR
Two poems in one. In this episode I talk about my relationship dynamics with my boyfriend before and after entering into sobriety. I talk about the longing to be taken care of and to be saved, even, by him and the reality of interrelationship support during recovery.
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DERAILED
In this episode I share the story of my last drink. I take you through my poem, ‘Derailed’, and describe how I felt like a runaway train in the hours leading up to it. I paint a picture of how brainwashing addiction can be and how there would be no avoiding that last drink.
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LET ME KILL YOU
In this episode I personify addiction as an abusive seducer. Addiction promises everything I could ever want but leaves me devastated and alone. The fantasy feels so good that I keep returning to it, even in light of the reality: it’s killing me. I listen to the poisonous sweet nothings even though they will be my downfall.
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MANIC INTOXICATION
In my poem, ‘Manic Intoxication’, I give you a glimpse of my first taste of freedom from addiction. There is a lightness in me, a spaciousness, that wasn’t there before. Happiness has replaced suffering, however, noting that forgetting my struggle would be foolish.
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OPERATION: OVERDRIVE
In this episode I detail the total submission to alcohol. I talk about handing over all choice to the substance. I discuss a time when I didn’t want to make any decisions—not what to think about, not what to do, and not even when to fall asleep.
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JUST FOR A MOMENT
In this episode I talk about sweet moments of relief where I forgot addiction resided in me. I talk about how even though those moments were fleeting, they were a monumental indicator of hope—that someday soon those moments would stretch into minutes, into hours, into days, and perhaps I would simply return to a time free of addiction altogether.
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WAKE THE F*CK UP
This is the sign you’ve been waiting for. This is the pep talk you need. This is the final push for you to finally do the thing you’ve been wanting, needing, telling yourself you’re going to do: stop drinking. It’s time to stop making excuses, wake the f*ck up, and do it.
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A FOOL’S FORGE
In this episode I dive into the poem, ‘A Fool’s Forge’, by discussing the consequences of overconfidence in recovery. I talk about somehow missing the hard times & how I learned quickly to be careful what I wish for.
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THE WHISPER
The Whisper calls to you from deep within. It leads you to a place of renewal, to rebirth, to softness, to comfort. You are exactly where you’re meant to be. This place is for you. Can you hear it? That whisper? If you want it, you can be brand new.
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TRUST
I talk about my poem, ‘Trust’, and the importance of trusting the path that you are on. I speak about the importance of captaining your own ship and leading those around you by example. You are not on this path by accident. Your recovery serves a greater purpose.
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RUIN, RISE
Through my poem, ‘Ruin, Rise’, I talk about destruction and how it is an integral part of creating a new reality. I discuss how we recover is a very personal and individual process and that we should never criticize or judge how someone else heals.
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ANGLER FISH
In this episode I tell a story about an affirmation I received as a teen that has stayed with me throughout life. I reflect on what it meant then, what it means now, and though it has deepened in complexity over the years, it still remains a core truth of mine.
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SURRENDER
What does ‘Surrender’ mean to me? Through the story of my first time facilitating a workshop I found truth in giving in to the current of the Universe. It was in a different country and my partner didn’t make it. I tell you what really happened and how I turned panic into empowerment.
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YO-YO
Through my poem, ‘Yo-yo’, I describe how I came to have heightened senses once I had eliminated alcohol from my life. My body wasn’t numb anymore and I began to feel and sense things I could have only imagined were possible.
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X
My poem, ‘X’, is a short but potent three line poem. In this episode I talk about the pros and cons of being strong & hard vs being malleable & soft. Also known as: Would you rather be a diamond or would you rather be spaghetti hair?
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TELL THE F*CKING TRUTH ALREADY
In this episode I talk about how lies affect us. It touches on how lies beget lies and how their malignancy only grows as time goes on. The message in this episode is that truth is healing. I also share my experience with cannabis use after alcohol addiction.
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NQTD
In this episode I talk about alcohol propaganda, surviving the holidays when alcohol is everywhere, and how the philosophy I gleaned from Hip Sobriety School: Never Question The Decision has helped me stay sober through tough times.
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SIEGE
In this episode I talk about the monster that comes every night & how our natural response to it is fear and isolation. I share my thoughts on conquering it even when the inevitability of night-time is daunting.
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RAW
The first of three episodes on the negative biological effects of alcohol. Through my poem, ‘Raw’, I talk about Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome & the physical responses the body goes through when alcohol is removed after a period of dependence. It’s time to get science-y, folks!
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BIOLOGICAL WARFARE
Part two of a three part series on the negative biological effects of alcohol. I describe how the consumption of alcohol is like biological warfare on my own body. I talk about the physical repercussions of using (any amount of) alcohol.
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WHITE NOISE
Final episode of a three part series on the negative biological effects of alcohol. I talk about alcohol’s effect on happiness (happiness threshold), how it creates more stress in us, and how that affects our overall well-being.
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MICHELLE
This episode & poem is named after a sober friend, Michelle, who opens up the conversation into how important it is to have sober friends. I talk about validation, solidarity, and comfort in knowing you have people who get you when the rest of the world does not.
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HIDE AND SEEK
In this episode I talk about my poem, ‘Hide & Seek’, in which the ghosts of my past begin rising from the dead and coaxing me back to greet them - even ones I never knew existed but can make themselves known now that they are no longer being silenced by alcohol.
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ELEMENTARY
In this episode I talk about not having any coping mechanisms in early sobriety. Alcohol used to be how I coped with everything from anger, sadness, fear, to happiness, excitement….everything. In this episode I affirm that the ability to cope without addictive substances is available to all of us.
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COFFEE
In this episode I talk about my poem, ‘Coffee’, and feeling pressure to be perfect. I talk about filtering myself throughout the day—checking and editing my emotions to achieve a desired state of mind.
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IMPOSSIBLE
In this episode I talk about finally feeling things I drank to forget. I share how paralyzing it was to experience such an onslaught of emotions and realizations. I talk about he impossibility of processing it all.
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BLOODY MARY MIDNIGHT
One of my favourite poems, ‘Bloody Mary Midnight’, explores how everyday actions can haunt us, such as how opening the refrigerator door can trigger us or how refilling the ice cube tray can bring on extreme feelings of guilt.
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PAIN IS A GIFT
In this poem/episode I talk about how pain is a gift. I venture into the idea that suffering is a blessing and how we can reframe hardship into something amazing and hopeful while still honouring the gravity of our painful circumstances.
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CASSANDRA
‘Cassandra’ was written for a friend along the way to sobriety. Through this poem, I take us on a creative journey that helped me call on my inner strength. Through visualization and imagination I was able to lean into a wiser, more resilient version of myself when I needed help.
Live at Lovefest 2019
IT’S TOO LATE WHEN YOU START TO LIE
I was invited to speak at a Sober Saturdayz event, Love Fest. This is the audio recording of that talk in which I speak about a poem called, ‘Houses’. It touches on my childhood and my struggle with boundaries into adulthood.
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ASHES
The poem ‘Ashes’ prompts a conversation about deep craving and what it is like to want to escape or wish a part of your mind would die. I talk about the willingness to do anything to stop the pain of craving.
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LESSON ONE
In this episode I provide you with a list of subtle ways to recognize we’re killing ourselves. I call it: Denise’s thirteen point plan to knowing that you’re being murdered from the inside out.
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UNMOORING
*Self-harm trigger warning* In this episode I take us into different ways I used to engage in escapism as well shares a recent revelation I had about love addiction in my late teens/early twenties. I also talk about my experience with cannabis use and the importance of being easy on yourself as you explore the many different paths in life.
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GOODNIGHT, CITY LIGHTS
In this episode, I explore the pull to hear the experiences of others when I myself felt emotionally disconnected. I talk about the relationship between empathy and self-control and the science behind it. I share my experience with empathy and how it wasn't until I was sober that I realized how susceptible I am to the energy of others.
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BEAM
In this episode, I explore my poem 'Beam' by sharing stories about incredible joy. I relive moments of uncontrollable bliss in unexpected places and discuss how lucky I am to get to experience this addiction to recovery journey.
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SAT NAM
In this episode, I take you through my poem 'Sat Nam' by exploring themes of anger, transition, & expansion. 'Sat Nam' means 'True Identity' and that is the essence of this poem—during moments of clarity I could see how my true self was being uncovered.
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RESPONSIBLE
I dive into my poem, 'Responsible', to explore the fine line between helping and hindering when it comes to being a good friend. As I healed, I learned amazing tools and strategies that worked extremely well for me. The trouble is, I loved MY way so much, I began pushing it on others. In this episode, I talk about learning to stay in my lane as well as how to provide loving support without trying to single-handedly solve everyone's problems.
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HERE & NOW
In this episode, I talk about the importance of recognising when we are harbouring pain and how impactful telling one person about it can be. I speak about finding clarity, my struggle with using cannabis, and how to use meditation to gain space & perspective.
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IRRITATION
My poem, 'Irritation', is all about dealing with mood swings in early recovery. In this episode, I explore how unpredictable irritation can be and how difficult it can be to dispel. I talk about how Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is a dangerous but vital part of the recovery process and I provide some tools for dissipating feelings of frustration.
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INTROVERSION
A lot of us on this journey are caregivers & have a hard time turning that part of ourselves towards ourselves. I talk about selfishness in recovery and how it is not synonymous with "badness". Through my poem, 'Introversion', I talk about the importance of choosing to direct most of your energy towards yourself in order to give yourself much needed attention that has possibly been lacking for a long time.
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TRUE NORTH
This episode is all about loneliness and what it really means. I talk about how loneliness was the driving force of my addiction and an excuse to turn to substances. I share how sobriety forced me to sit with that external longing and face it. I stopped searching for something outside of myself to fill the void within and turned my feelings of loneliness into a compass to lead me home.
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INSOMNIA
What do Chernobyl & Airplane Crashes have to do with sobriety? Hint: Rock bottom is bullshit. In addition to that not-so-sweet relationship, I talk about feeling out of control and how to tell when that feeling is beneficial and when it is detrimental to your highest good
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VOR I VAGLASKOGI
In this episode, I explore my poem named after a song by Icelandic band Kaleo. The time surrounding this poem was an emotional one where I was fighting the pull to escape either into total bliss or total destruction. Inevitably the only option was to stay in uncomfortable limbo between the two.
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BLUE HEAVEN
I used to have a crippling fear of flying which I routinely tried to "solve" by drinking throughout my airport/airplane experience. Here is my list of 17 ways to manage your fear of flying without the booze.
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SENSORY DEPRIVATION
"Awareness is like fire, and fire purifies." - Dr. Richard Miller.
The psyche feels fragile in early recovery, so fragile that the sound of a mere air-conditioner is enough to shatter it. In this episode, I describe feeling stuck in this state & I reflect on how quickly "stuck-ness" turns into growth.
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RECOVERY
After years of drinking, it was as if the bottles of gin had exploded and embedded jagged glass in my organs. In this episode I talk about how recovery begins when we remove the shrapnel. The process is painful but we must be diligent. We must celebrate each piece as it is removed.
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BABY
I used to do everything in my power to avoid being called a 'cry baby' or 'too sensitive'. In recovery, I have learned to embrace my feelings and use them to my benefit. I talk about how the word 'overreact' is lost on me and how to dive deep into our reactivity for personal growth.
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FLASHBACK FRIDAY
Today is the worst day of your life. Now, Imagine waking up late with no clean clothes and no time to eat. You are not prepared to take on this horrible, anxiety inducing date. Everything seems to be working against you. So what do you do?
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GROUNDHOGGIN’
In the poem, 'Groundhoggin'', I ask, "is this all life has in store for me?" Every day felt the same like I was reliving the same day over and over again. Drink all night, sooth a hangover all day. I never prepared my food for work, amongst other neglects, leading to a devaluation of myself. I was my last priority. In this episode I talk about how to break free of Groundhog Day.
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FUCK YOU, I’M A WARRIOR
Cravings are the things that keep us in the addiction cycle. They are the single most challenging part of breaking free. So, when you do, bask in the overwhelming sense of accomplishment and ask for the next mountain to head your way.
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DEAR BOURBON,
Alcohol is an abusive lover that tricks you into remaining trapped. It talks down to you, instills fear, makes you loathe yourself. In this episode, I talk about the moment before freedom and how things seem to get harder right before we walk through the door to the other side of addiction.
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SOLO TRAVEL
I tell the story of my first solo AND sober vacation to Phoenix, Arizona when I was only 2 months sober. I share how a hike of the West Fork Trail in Sedona was the ultimate pilgrimage of soul & how I let it be the final resting place of the old, addicted me.
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SOLO TRAVEL
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is a bitch but it is also a scared experience - a right of passage in recovery that teaches us to care incredibly deeply for ourselves.
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NUMB
In this episode I talk about how I've always been a master of self-abandonment and what that cost me over the years. I reflect on ways I'd been vacating myself even before I started drinking.
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THE THINGS I NEVER TOLD YOU
I tell the story of a water bottle filled with gin, how I lied about it, and how I am so grateful to be free of deceptions like that.
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QUEEN
I talk about the first taste of freedom from nightly craving and how amazing it felt. However, craving wasn't done with me. I had spoken too soon & celebrated too soon. Like all things, recovery is not linear. Like all things, recovery comes with cycles. Once we lean into the death & rebirth of this process, we will find peace within the madness.
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CLIFF’S EDGE
Scared of the looming holiday season? Me too. In sobriety, we constantly have to choose our new life over our old drinking life. Liquor-laced events pop up all the time and threaten to pull us back into our partying ways. In this episode, I explore how we can keep our eyes on healing and self-care instead of succumbing to dangerous "obligations" or "temptations".
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MIND FUCK
I share my experience with the mind fuck that is deciding to drink again. Namely, all the bullshit that went through my head as I was about to head to a Mexican All-Inclusive resort when I was only 3 months sober. Even though I knew that drinking again would leave me in a state close to death, the pull to still do it was impossibly strong.
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IT TAKES A VILLAGE
We all have good days and bad days, but what if the bad days were actually the best days? What if everything good came from the times we completely shattered into a million pieces? In this episode, I explore all the deeper meanings of "bad days" and "good days".