The Sober Life
I didn’t have a classic “rock bottom” that forced me to look at myself and want to change. I don’t believe in rock bottom. I believe that we are intelligent creatures capable of recognizing when something isn’t working for us (or killing us) and that we have the power to live differently. A series of things happened to make me want to change:
I was lying about and hiding my alcohol use
I was waking up brutally hungover or, worse, still drunk from the night before & it was ruining my daily life
I couldn’t stop putting alcohol in my body
I was constantly feeling shame & guilt
I knew if I kept on this path of self-destruction eventually really bad things were going to start happening
Quitting felt like a death sentence. I couldn’t imagine life without alcohol in it. At first, I tried desperately to moderate (also something I don’t believe in now) which always ended with me drinking even more than I would have if I hadn’t put limitations on myself. I could never have “just one”. I was always thinking about the next drink even before the present one hit my lips. I couldn’t stop. At least, not on my own. I pleaded with my boyfriend to help me (aka save me) and he said, “I’ll support you as much as you need but first you have to help yourself.” That felt like a punch to the gut. It felt like a rejection. It felt like he thought I wasn't trying hard enough. But guess what? He was right. I wasn’t actually trying to stop—I was still searching for a loophole. I was looking for a way to have my cake & eat it too.
I immediately started googling ‘how to get sober’. I think this was the first time I took his blatant advice without being ridiculously reactive which, in hindsight, reinforces just how ready I was to leave the emotionally stunted shit-show that is addiction. I ended up on Pintrest of all places and saw a post titled, ‘Afraid to Quit Drinking?’ which led me to a blog post on Holly Whitaker’s website hipsobriety.com (soon to be Tempest). The blog post was the first piece of writing that actually resonated with me and how I was feeling towards quitting. As she said, “It’s fucking terrifying”. She validated me in ways all those AA infographics and “Are You an Alcoholic?” self-diagnostics never did. Her words spoke to me on a level that I didn’t know existed for me. I felt heard. I started devouring her website and discovered the two things that would change my life forever:
Gabby Bernstein’s book ‘May Cause Miracles’ and Holly’s blog post about how it helped her called, ‘How To Do Your Own Fear Cleanse’. This helped me shift my perspective around my fears and it’s how I got my first stretches of sobriety under my belt.
Hip Sobriety School: a digital rehab “school” that gives you everything you could possibly need to succeed in recovery. HSS doesn’t preach one method of recovery over another but rather gives you all the resources available and empowers you to choose what works for you on an individual basis. I cannot recommend this coaching enough. It’s what got me to where I am and I will be forever grateful.
Sobriety is an ongoing journey and it hasn’t been easy by any means but it has been the single most rewarding choice I have ever made. Here are some other resources that have helped me along the way:
Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind (a great reminder of why it is a privilege, not a punishment to abstain from alcohol)
She Recovers (a place for women in recovery from anything, not just substances. They host retreats and conferences and there is a Facebook Group you can join for support & community)
Sober Saturdayz (booze-free events in Vancouver & non-alcoholic beverage distributor)
Recovery Bites (Holistic Nutrition & Food Blog for Recovery by Mimi Rose)